Open Mike

Parenting Teens: The Fine Print

Tonite, Angie and I are leading a seminar at Lake Forest, "Parenting Teenagers." A primary overarching theme we will likely return to throughout the hour and a half will be the tendency we've observed in ourselves and our friends. Even among parents who we think 'nailed it' in the grade school years. Upon getting their oldest child deep into middle school, many parents seem to quickly gravitate toward one extreme end of this spectrum or the other. One end of the spectrum: no or little shaping and discipline, belieivng the lie that 'you're done,' 'peers matter more than parents now,' or accepting their child's push away as definitive. The other end of the spectrum is: no freedom. We'll explore that tonite.

Here is the 'fine print' I plan to begin with this evening: "1. Teaching this seminar is the dumbest thing we could possibly do tonite - we aren't finished yet and our boys are still teenagers! If we act like we know it all, wouldn't the evil one love to ramp up temptation of us and our boys. Also if we act like we know it all, wouldn't the Holy Spirit of God want and need to teach us humility? So with fear and trembling we will try to be clear - we are not finished and we have not/do not get it right all the time! A couple of other preliminaries -

2. we do not have a 'system' or a 'method' to recommend to anyone. Just principles, most based on Scripture, that apply differently to different familly situations and different types of teenagers.

3. we will be intentionally vague about some stories and details, because while I have chosen a public life, my children have not and their privacy matters. Please do not ask them about any of the principles or stories we've shared tonite, but feel free to talk to me and Angie anytime.

Tonight's gonna be fun.

If You Just Read ____ Book, You'll Have it Figured Out

My wife Angie and I, and my parents (Mike and Carol) are going to do something we've never done before - lead together a 'Parenting Teens' seminar.  The occasion will be the April 11 grand opening of our new Student Ministry and all-purpose building at our church, while the teens are having a blast.

Parenting is on a lot of minds right now.  Two of my appointments yesterday were about parenting counsel.  One was in a parenting-of-a-teen crisis.  The other couple was meeting with me about dedicating their infant and wanted to talk parenting.  That couple is so motivated to be learners, they took a pre-parenting appointment with a Christian counselor before they ever had their baby - wow!

I want to pass on some wisdom from various parents in the area.  When Cammie Howard and I preached on Parenting from Proverbs early this month, Cammie asked a lot of her friends and mentors for their best quick advice on Christ-centered parenting.  Here is some of what they gave her (at the bottom is 'the worst parenting advice they ever received'):

-The first few are from a pastors wife, a very real, authentic , God loving woman…who has raised three girls who are all now married , have children of their own, and who are all following  Christ!  BUT, It has not always been that way for them …I watched she and her husband parent during some very, very difficult years. She says.

“As parents we take too much credit for the good things that our kids do and too much blame for the things they do wrong.”

“ Don't dole out punishment when your panties are in a bunch!  Scary things happen when you're flaming mad.”

“Parenting is always challenging - quit complaining about it and trust God for the strength to parent.”

"Follow through…if you tell your child the next time they slam their door you're going to remove it…follow through and take that sucker off."

- “Help your child find ways to use and celebrate their unique gifting.”

- “Your main job is not to teach them to be obedient, your main job is to love them and show them Jesus.”

-  “Find things you can enjoy doing as a family and create memories.”

- “ It's almost impossible to be a good parent if you're not hanging out with Jesus consistently.  (1b - you must find a way to incorporate your faith, and encourage your kids faith AT HOME)

- “Being a good husband / wife will lead to being a good parent.  SHOW your kids how much you love their dad/mom.  model well.”

- “Don't take yourself too seriously.  laugh a lot.  dance often.  play together.”  

And a piece of advice from a mom who has raised three boys who are studs!!  One is out of college and two are still in college and all are walking with the Lord… She asked her sons what they thought and they said…it was important to …

“ Make the home a place where they could feel safe, secure, comfortable, and allowed to express their true feelings (even the ugly stuff).  regularly pray together; make nightly family dinners a priority; establish memorable traditions with birthdays and holidays; and frequently sit down to openly talk about joys, struggles, accomplishments, and disappointments.”

One of my personal pieces of parenting advice that I would give and is something I believe strongly about is this…keep your marriage as a priority, second to your relationship with God. Someone once told me the greatest gift parents can give children is to love one another well . Make time for one another. Go on dates.  It is not a luxury, it is a necessity. I will never forget when I was growing up my parents had a regular standing date every Saturday night…most of the times, they had their dates at home. My brother and I were excited because we got to stay up later and watch TV, but the one rule was that we could not bother mom and dad unless it was an emergency. Sometimes we followed that rule, other times we came up the hall during a LOVE BOAT commercial, and knocked on the door because we wanted a bite of steak (they almost always grilled steak). As an adult I can look back on that and know how much security my brother and I felt as children because mom and dad valued their marriage enough to make it a priority and put it even before us and ultimately that was so much better for us anyway. So, take the time to invest in your marriage or if you are a single parent, take time for yourself to stay healthy. Make sure you are doing things that give you a full tank so you can give out of that to your children.

For the sake of of time, I will just share just a few of the worst pieces of parenting advices- these too were compiled from the email I sent out…

1)   if you just read ________ book, then you'll have it figured out.

2)   Be a friend to your child.  That sounds all warm and fuzzy in theory, but your kids don't need you as their buddy. They need you to be the parent.

3)   Again from my old pastors wife… Force your kids to eat everything on their plate.  This never works out well!  I still have vivid memories of the time my mother made my brother eat a huge serving of lima beans.  (Personally, I think lima beans are only good for stuffing up your nose)  My obedient brother did as he was told and then promptly threw up that huge serving right back into the bowl it came from.  Perhaps you can understand my aversion to lima beans!

The Sweetest Fruit

We like to tell a lot of what we call 'God stories' at Lake Forest Church, and today I HAVE to tell you one that's between two parents and their child from this week.  I used to often say, 'the way I know whether we are a healthy church or not is if I'm hearing two kinds of God-stories regularly - stories of people coming to faith in Jesus, and stories of people growing deeper, transformed by their faith in Jesus.' 

For a few years, the elders resisted me.  Used to working in the world of spreadsheets, they felt the need for more data.  So after me telling a couple of God-stories or two, they'd feel the need to say 'yeah, but what does the data say.'  Eventually we've trained ourselves to follow Hebrews 12 and Luke 15 to believe that these types of stories are the most important data when it comes to the Kingdom of God and the business we happen to be in.

The reason is that we want to celebrate what Jesus celebrates and be motivated by what motivated Jesus.  Hebrews 12:1-3 tells us Jesus endured the cross "for the joy set before him" - the joy of people being reconciled to the God who loves them.  In Luke 15, Jesus makes his mission clear - to seek and to save people 'lost' from knowing God. In those parables, Jesus relays his and heaven's (the angels' ) joy and celebration when even 'one sinner repents' and is found by the great love of God through Jesus.  Each person who turns, or turns a bit more into the image of Jesus here on earth, is the utmost 'data' for those seeking to live 'motivated by what motivated Jesus.'

So the 'data' is in, and here's the sweetest fruit I know of this week in our community.  It's from two parents, Ashleigh and Ken, applying God's Word from last Sunday in Proverbs to their high calling of shepherding their children's hearts (shared by permission - from a Facebook message on Wednesday):

Hi Mike,
I just had to share some great and awesome news with you. Ken and I have been talking with Carter (our oldest daughter, 5) about not just believing in Jesus, but following Him, and what that means. I told her to just think about it and let me know if she had any questions. Well, tonight, our sweet baby girl prayed to the Lord that she wants to follow Him and wants Jesus in her heart. I am so thankful to you and our wonderful church for leading me and Ken, so that we may in turn, lead our children well. Thanks for all you do, and all you teach and share.
Ashleigh

"(The shepherd) calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!’ “I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." Luke 15:6,7 

"Repent" means to turn from one direction and head in another one - the earlier in life the better to turn from self-derived, self-defined, self-sufficient life, to the life where Jesus Christ is sufficient for all.  I celebrate with these my friends, Carter's parents, and I pray for their ongoing shepherding of her heart.

Discipline = Love

 Last night I saw some great parenting, as I learned an Irish folk dance in a foursome that included me, a homeless guest, an LFC member, and an 8 year old at our church.  It was our second night of hosting 12 home-seeking guests overnite.  Both nights were full of Lake Forest parents (multiple) bringing their children of all ages (last night there were 4year olds, 8-10 year olds, and 6 teens) along with them to grow in 'living like Jesus - always on the Missio Dei' (mission of God).  They cooked dinner, served it on fine china, served dessert, celebrated St Patrick's Day, and learned a new dance together.

Wise parents model healthy parts of life, like last night.  Wise parents are also unafraid to discipline their children. Cammie Howard is our Children's Ministry Director.  She preached on the same topic as me, from Proverbs, last Sunday at our Davidson Campus.  It was wonderful - she's a gifted woman.  Here's here section on discipline for you today (by permission):

The first theme I want us to look at this morning is : Discipline. According to the Chambers Dictionary, the definition of discipline is: a training designed to engender self-control and an ordered way of life; the state of self-control achieved by such training Too often discipline is a word people shy away from because they think of it as something negative or hurtful… But disciplining a child is training a child and this is what helps then mature and grow.

Discipline is not about giving orders to a child who should obey them all. It's a process which involves teaching your child to learn self-control and teach him/her to respect others.Some parents do not like thinking about discipline because they do not like to see their child unhappy. These tend to be the “buddy “ parents.

One author said “I'm sorry to say that, if the parent is not the one who makes his/her child unhappy from time to time, then the child will be much unhappier once they are away from home in the real world. What a discovery it will be for them to see what life is really like! It is a parent's job to teach their child appropriate behaviors and self-control, whether they like it or not. Children need to learn to function with boundaries, laws, rules. This is necessary for a life with others.”

 Proverbs has many verses on the subject of discipline. I counted at least 16 times discipline is mentioned in the book of Proverbs alone. I want to run through a few of them…and for some of these verses I am going to give us two different versions of the same verse to help broaden our understanding, primarily from the NIV translation and the Message.

SLIDE SEVEN -Proverbs 13:24 “ He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” In the message, this verse reads “24 A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them.

Proverbs 15:5 “A fool spurns his fathers discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence.” Proverbs 19:18 “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope.”  In the Message this reads “18 Discipline your children while you still have the chance; indulging them destroys them.”  The one thing I like so much about Proverbs is that oftentimes the verses just speak for themselves.Many times in Proverbs there are warnings and people are referred to as fools for not heeding advice and in this instance for not heeding correction.

Proverbs 23:13 “Do not withhold discipline from a child.”  Proverbs 29:15 “ The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.” From the message “Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.” Proverbs 29:17 “ Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.” From the message “Discipline your children; you'll be glad you did— they'll turn out delightful to live with.”  Proverbs is clear that disciplining our children is vital but it is about more than just having children that are delightful to live with.

Far from being a dirty word, discipline is evidence of love. When you consistently disci­pline your child and do it with the right attitude — compassionately, under control, with consistent boundaries and consequences, and focused on the child's best outcome — you are expressing love exactly as God sometimes expresses His love. It may seem uncom­fortable both to you and your child at the time, but in the long run, it's the most selfless, compassionate thing you can do to set your child up for happiness in life and fruitfulness in God's Kingdom.

Chip Ingram, an author and pastor, says this about disciplining children: SLIDE EIGHT   “It's worth the grief your daughter gives you when you have to tell her that she's too young to date or that she's getting into a relationship that's not good for her. It's worth the groans from your kids when you won't let them watch a movie that everyone else at school got to see, even the Christian kids whose parents weren't quite so uptight about it. It's worth their complaints when you have to limit the amount of time your kids spend on the phone or on the Internet. Knowing how to say no firmly may make them hate you for a moment, but it will make them love you for a lifetime. And you'll have the pleasure of seeing your children experience the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Chip also explored the difference between discipline and punishment by saying “Discipline is future-focused, always pointing toward future acts. It has nothing to do with retribution and everything to do with redemption. Whereas the purpose of punishment is to inflict a penalty for an offense, the purpose of discipline is to train for correction and maturity. Whereas the origin of punishment is the frustration of the parent, the origin of discipline is a high moti­vation for the welfare of the child. And whereas the result of punishment is fear and shame, the result of discipline is security. Discipline always holds the child's best interests, not the parent's anger, in the forefront. It is never out of control. Discipline means applying appropriate consequences to encourage a child to make better choices in the future. “

Discipline is also referenced in the New Testament in the book of Hebrews 12:7-11 and it says SLIDE NINE  “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. “

I know that when I am disciplined by the Lord, even in mistakes that I make, I often reference this verse as a reminder that the discipline I am enduring is for a greater good. Discipline is born out of love and ultimately it produces a harvest of righteousness.

We have to be reminded oftentimes of the purpose of discipline because I don’t think any parent thinks disciplining is FUN, but it is necessary.  How many of you heard from your parents or have said to your children “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” I now believe that my parents weren’t lying to me all these years! My daughter oftentimes in the midst of being disciplined by her father or me will say

“ Do you hate me?” to which we say “ No no no- Taylor, I know this does not feel good right now, but we are disciplining you BECAUSE we love you so much!!” We would all agree as would the writer of this verse in Hebrews, discipline is not always pleasant, but it is much more important that we keep our eyes on the larger PURPOSE of what God is producing in our lives and in the lives of our children.

Parents in the Trenches of Discipline Issues

Angie and I have been through the parenting wringer trying to find the right approaches to disciplining our sons through the years.  We've been exasperated at times, we've been very confident at other times.  Yesterday's teaching was on Parenting from Proverbs. I did not focus on the subject of discipline, but Proverbs has a lot to say about it.  So it was never an option for me and Angie to NOT engage our responsibility to discipline our boys.

Discipline your children, and they will give you peace;
   they will bring you the delights you desire.   Proverbs 29:17

Here's a helpful definition of discipline for parents: Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.  As promised, here are a few learnings from our family over the years:

-Unity talks behind closed doors.  Angie and I picked this wisdom up from several parenting books. We came into parenting with different natural approaches, outlooks, and tendencies toward leniency or strictness in various areas.  We would laugh, cry, and conflict over those differences behind closed doors.  But we valued unity in our approach to the boys when the door was open.  So much, so that we each made compromises and sacrifices from what our own natural bent toward discipline would have been if we were the only parent in the house.  If you are a single parent, you are my hero. I suggest finding a consistent 'parenting ally' who you ask to be your consistent, regular wise counsel and sounding board for discipline issues. 

-Name the primary current character issue going on  with each child.  The younger they were, the more frequently we had this conversation, because they change so quickly.  Angie was good at taking the initiative on this.  Whenever the annoyance meter really went up with one boy, we knew it was time to 'name it.'  Discerning and naming the character issue (needed development, particular weakness, outright sin, etc.) behind annoying or problemmatic behaviors helped us take our responsibility to discipline all the more seriously.  It counteracted our temptation to take the easy/lazy way out and not deal with problems.  Putting it in terms of 'what if he never learns compassion for other people's feelings?' gave us backbone to deal consistently and authoritatively with problems.  It also helped us to do our next practice:

-Try to find a Bible verse to pray for that child during the time you are disciplining a specific character issue.  Angie was also very diligent at this.  Sometimes we would name that verse to our son and put it on the fridge, sometimes the verse was just for us.  It focused our prayers, connected us and our son to God's heart and God's will.

-Don't discipline for mere childishness.  Spilt milk is spilt milk.  Its gonna happen.  A lot.  Still does with teenagers.  Clean it up and move on.

-The key to effective discipline is not 'getting it perfect' in every circumstance.  Sometimes you're too stressed out or emotional to react the right way.

-The key is consistency, lovingly yet firmly applied, over a long period of time.  That's the whole ball game.

-Name specific behaviors that will receive specific corrective consequences. Angie and I had to do this at each age, every stage, for most major character development issues we identified in our boys.  This was the most measurable thing for us to be unified on.  Unify on this with both parents, communicate it to your child.  Follow through.  Repeat. Repeat.  Repeat.

-Read parenting bookS.  Not just one.  Per my sermon yesterday, there is no single philosophy of disciplining your child that will work for every child.  We read the best books, from widely divergent parenting philosophies, and took what fit for us and each boy.  Example:  Spanking worked at the first hint with one of our boys (we only spanked when they were very young, and it was for outright rebellion).  It did not concern our other boy at all - a different motivation was needed, and it took us a while to discover it.  If your method isn't working, examine your method by examining your kid better.

-Discipline issues deferred or merely managed in 2-5 year olds will return with a vengeance and with seven heads when they are 13 years old.  Deal with it now.

-Never discipline in anger.  A timeout period is often more important for the parent than the child.  You never owe them immediate information about their consequence, because you are in charge.  'Go to your room' can last as long as you need to compose yourself, pray, and decide on the appropriate consequence for their negative behavior.

-Love them, speak words of affirmation over them, call out their unique good 'bents' (from yesterday's sermon).  If the majority (mathematically add it up daily!) of your words are in this direction, your discipline will be more potent.

Later this week, I will post more thoughts on discipline, and suggest a few books that have been most helpful to us.