As a pastor, I have seen far more domestic abuse than I ever expected. So the current national discussion about it is personal to me. We are overdue as a nation and in the church to stigmatize such dehumanizing and God-dishonoring behaviors.
Colossians 3:19 "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
When controlling behavior by a husband is mixed with a veneer of inauthentic biblical Christianity, the pressure for a wife to remain silent is more immense than in a non believing home. Controlling, angry men genuinely believe their misuse of scripture out of context ('wives submit to husbands,' 'God hates divorce,' 'don't deny yourself to your spouse'). Their shadow self and even, I believe, the evil one twists such proof texts into the rationalization for their behavior that their ego seeks, so they don't have to examine or question themselves (proof-texting is what you call lifting a Bible verse from its original context and meaning, and using it to justify an action or belief that is not congruent with the overall teaching of God in the scriptures).
For years at our church we've assisted women (and a couple of men) in abusive relationships by first of all assuring them God values their life and their heart enough to want them away from an abusive person (today, I'm not even going to dignify the question 'where is that in the Bible' with an extensive answer, but the woman usually needs me to show her passages in the Bible to counteract the way scripture has been used in her past to control her). Secondly, we've been quick to provide practical assistance, like paying for hotel rooms or an apartment, or being with them as they make a police report, or in one case driving her to a secret-address shelter for abused women.
Twice I've gone with an abused wife to her home, as a witness and a bodyguard, while she collected her things and left. Both times the husband threatened to sue me, as have two other controlling husbands threatened me in my office, when I told them I was supporting their wife in a separation (I always counsel that a separation is for the purpose of reconciliation - if trust is rebuilt through changed behavior over time, in the case of abuse a loooong period of time; I've seen a couple of times where the man repented, subjected himself to intense therapy and change and the relationship was healed; the others times there's been no change, so I did not recommend reconciliation).
The precise words these four abusive men used toward me in those moments was so eerily similar that I think there is some type of 'giving over' to evil that occurs at a certain point - it sounded like the voice and language of the evil one. Angie and I now pay for extra liability insurance personally, so that I do not allow fear of a lawsuit to dictate my conscience in standing up for the abused.
Psalm 11:5 "The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence."
Here are "Warning Signs and Red Flags for Domestic Abuse" (from www.thehotline.org )
Please read and be aware of these. If you see them in your relationship, call the hotline or a friend or our church. Pastors and ministry leaders, use this list as a diagnostic tool when interviewing a person or a couple. Men, these warning signs are helpful for you to check your own-self. And more importantly, to name such behavior as controlling and/or abusive in other men when they need to hear it. Be a man, come right out and say to another man, 'bro, that's controlling behavior at best, abusive at worst.' Here's the brochure content:
Many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don't always appear overnight but emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Domestic violence doesn't look the same in every relationship. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.
If you're beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one's partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch for these red flags:
- Telling you that you can never do anything right.
- Showing jealousy of your friends and time spent away.
- Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing friends or family members.
- Embarassing you or shaming you with put-downs.
- Controlling every penny spent in the household.
- Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses.
- Looking at your or acting in ways that scare you.
- Controlling what you see, where you go or what you do.
- Preventing you from making your own decisions.
- Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children.
- Preventing you from working or attending school.
- Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets.
- Intimidating you with guns, knives, or other weapons.
- Pressuring you to have sex when you don't want to or do things sexually you're not comfortable with.
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
If you're experiencing one or more of these, call the hotline at 1-800-799 SAFE (7233) to talk about what's going on. Or visit them at www.thehotline.org
